Reflections on 2018

It’s easy for me to look back on 2018 and declare it the shittiest year ever. My eagerly anticipated foal was euthanized after being in and out of the vet clinic for a month. The vet bill incurred by Marrakesh and Gina’s care was staggering and dealt an enormous blow to my finances. Candy made little to no progress towards becoming a replacement for either of my aging senior horses. I feel like I accomplished nothing this year.

I’ve been wallowing in self-loathing for at least six months; Marrakesh’s death made me feel sad, disappointed, and completely demotivated to do anything equine-related. I had a few bursts of zealous inspiration, like when a dressage guru friend suggested a new regime for Candy over the summer. When work travel and Candy’s heel grab derailed that plan, I quickly sunk back into a demoralized and unhappy state. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right- I failed at horse breeding, I failed at horse training, I failed at budgeting.

Dwelling on all the ways I failed this year isn’t very productive, though. It actually makes me feel more disheartened and confused. I’m normally a cheerfully positive and aggressively optimistic person- just ask my friends. (They’ll tell you how annoying it is sometimes.)

Instead of continuing to revel in unhappiness, I’m going to assess what went well this year and use that to motivate myself to set goals and make a plan to achieve them in 2019.

  1. Moe had a really great year. We kicked off 2018 babysitting our friends at a cross-country outing. I’d taken jumping off Moe’s plate due to EPM and small ulcer scars on his eyes that I was afraid might be affecting his vision. And, you know, because he’s 23. I had such a great time on him that day! We also had a good year competing at First Level at local dressage shows, and ended up year-end champions for both eastern and western region schooling shows and fifth place overall.

    “WHEE!”
  2. Gina is alive and well. I’m happy Gina’s pregnancy, foaling, and recovery were totally normal. While losing Marrakesh was devastating, I’m glad nothing went wrong with Gina. She might be a grumpy old hag, but she’s my grumpy old hag- not to mention my best hunt horse!

  3. I learned new techniques and practices. I had ground work lessons with Candy, learned about reiki for horses and the Masterson Method, and discovered that there’s definitely a place for longeing in a horse’s training program.

  4. I traveled to fun places. In April, I went home to Nashville for a weekend to ferry my mom to and from eye surgery and visited with my very best friend while I was there. Two of my friends who’d never been to Land Rover Kentucky before made the journey to the Bluegrass State with me. I worked at Dressage At Devon in September and met Stacey and Klein of The Jumping Percheron there. I went to Denver to see Johnny’s family for Thanksgiving. Traveling can be kind of a pain in the ass with all of the animals, but I’m always glad to go places!

When I look at this list, it doesn’t seem like 2018 was that bad. It still feels bad- dead foals and debt don’t lead to warm fuzzy vibes-but it could be so much worse. On to 2019, right?

14 Replies to “Reflections on 2018”

  1. Some years you just put behind you and try not to dwell on. Here’s to 2019! <3

    1. yes, this is DEFINITELY one of those years!

  2. We loved traveling with you to Rolex! I plan to keep calling it Rolex forever : )
    Onward to 2019 and great horsey things to come!!!

    1. I keep trying to call it by its new name and failing. I can’t wait for you to come back to the ‘Kentucky Derby’ with me again soon!

  3. i’m so sorry this year dealt so many awful awful blows 🙁 my heart is still so sad for you about Marrakesh, i can’t even imagine how you must feel. i love your attitude about focusing on the good that happened and carrying that into the new year. here’s hoping 2019 brings many happier memories!!

    1. Thanks- it’s hard not to just call the whole year a big, fat dumpster fire, but it wouldn’t be fair to discount Moe’s achievements and Candy’s incremental progress just because one (really) terrible thing happened. Or at least that’s what I tell myself!

  4. This year was not the greatest. It’s onward to 2019 for me too, and happy thoughts for both of us to have a more productive next turn around the sun.

    1. Yes, absolutely- onto a better 2019!

  5. My heart still aches for you over Marrakesh. It sounds like you had several bright lights this year despite the hard times. I hope 2019 is a great one for you!

    1. Thank you- I hope it is too!

  6. You did have a really rough year, but good for you for being able to see all the good that was there too. It makes the bad stuff a little easier to swallow. Hopefully 2019 has wonderful things in store for you!
    I’ve been feeling a little like you this past year as well. While (knock on wood) all the four leggeds are still here with me, failing with Badger and Jamp foundering were a little tough to get through emotionally. But that’s all in the rear view, and hopefully 2019 is only good stuff for all of us!

  7. 2018 was a rough year for many of us…positive vibes into 2019 for you xx

  8. Ugh yes this was quite the year for you 🙁 2019 will get better!

  9. I relate to this on such a deep level…

    There were nice moments, but I’m ready for a new year…

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